John
I grew up in a home where there was very little or none of what could be called “spiritual direction”. The moral rules we lived under were more or less the rules our culture had imposed and those rules could be bent as culture allowed. I was taught that I could attain whatever I set my mind to attain so at an early age I set about to “attain” what I wanted most – the world (the lusts of the flesh, the lust of the eyes and the pride of life). I had little or no problem enlisting allies in my quest such as lying, deception, and manipulation.
This may seem dark, even evil to many people but let me assure you that, had you known me, you would not have suspected what was going on in my heart. I was able to concurrently develop a veneer of decency and respect and appeared to be a “regular kid” – good in school, cub scouts, piano lessons, capable in sports, etc.
This was my world for 24 years. But all the while I was becoming increasingly disillusioned because, even when “attaining” to what I had set out to attain, I was left empty and unsatisfied. It became harder and harder to defend to myself the course of life I had set. I wondered if I had been wrong all along. I despaired of being able to salvage what my life had become. After spending so much energy trying to fool others the thought crept into my mind that maybe, just maybe, I had actually been fooling myself.
I tried to repel this new view of myself that seemingly was taking over. I was unaware that my brother had become a Christian a few months prior to this time and, along with his mentor, was praying for me. So the night that changed everything was the night when I saw myself as I really was. Everything was exposed. There was no place to hide because the Light was pouring into my soul. The Spirit of God was confronting me. He had just one question – “will you agree with Me that all the wrongness in your life is because you have chosen to decide for yourself what is good and what is evil and refused to let Me decide for you?”
Back when I was 8 or 9 for a time my mom would drop my brother and me off at a church to attend Sunday School. Many times we just waited until she left and headed across the street to explore what was new at a pet store. But one Sunday I was there in that class and the lesson was from Genesis 3 and the Bible’s account of the fall (into sin) of man and consequently of all mankind. For all those years I never thought of that lesson. I could not tell you who the teacher was or even if it was a man or woman. I could not tell you of anyone or anything else in that room. But when I was finally ready the Spirit of God was able to show me from that lesson that I had taken away from God (just like Adam and Eve) His authority to decide for me what was good and what was evil. I thought I had become as God knowing good and evil for myself. What a disaster that was!
So, yes, my answer to the Spirit of God was “You’re right. I give back to you that authority and commit myself to having You tell me what is good and what is evil. I submit my life and my life decisions to you.” But did I really mean it? After all those years of lying, deception, manipulation and fooling myself could this confession actually mean anything? I immediately knew it was real because the Spirit of God produced a hunger in me to know from Him what was good and what was evil. I set out on a lifelong journey to know Him from His Word – the Bible.
The first thing I learned from the Word of God was of His great love for the world as demonstrated by Jesus as He sacrificed Himself, taking the punishment I deserved for my sin. He has allowed me to undergo carefully orchestrated trials of faith that I might learn humility and that I might grow in grace. He knew the woman, the helpmeet who would stand with me despite my failings and despite the pride which has so reluctantly diminished. We struggled together through great difficulties and grief and came finally to the place where real love could begin. I now have a song in my heart and I sing and make melody in my heart unto the LORD. And I have confidence that what He did for me He can do for anyone. There is no one who is beyond His reach or too far gone. So I am on a journey to pray for the lost. A journey to pray for all things but especially that those who the Lord puts on my heart that they would be wondrously brought to saving faith as I was.
I had once hated the church and saw it as an assembly of complete hypocrites. Now I love the church and long to see her adorned, without spot or wrinkle, prepared as the Bride of Christ. He is Faithful and He will do it!
This may seem dark, even evil to many people but let me assure you that, had you known me, you would not have suspected what was going on in my heart. I was able to concurrently develop a veneer of decency and respect and appeared to be a “regular kid” – good in school, cub scouts, piano lessons, capable in sports, etc.
This was my world for 24 years. But all the while I was becoming increasingly disillusioned because, even when “attaining” to what I had set out to attain, I was left empty and unsatisfied. It became harder and harder to defend to myself the course of life I had set. I wondered if I had been wrong all along. I despaired of being able to salvage what my life had become. After spending so much energy trying to fool others the thought crept into my mind that maybe, just maybe, I had actually been fooling myself.
I tried to repel this new view of myself that seemingly was taking over. I was unaware that my brother had become a Christian a few months prior to this time and, along with his mentor, was praying for me. So the night that changed everything was the night when I saw myself as I really was. Everything was exposed. There was no place to hide because the Light was pouring into my soul. The Spirit of God was confronting me. He had just one question – “will you agree with Me that all the wrongness in your life is because you have chosen to decide for yourself what is good and what is evil and refused to let Me decide for you?”
Back when I was 8 or 9 for a time my mom would drop my brother and me off at a church to attend Sunday School. Many times we just waited until she left and headed across the street to explore what was new at a pet store. But one Sunday I was there in that class and the lesson was from Genesis 3 and the Bible’s account of the fall (into sin) of man and consequently of all mankind. For all those years I never thought of that lesson. I could not tell you who the teacher was or even if it was a man or woman. I could not tell you of anyone or anything else in that room. But when I was finally ready the Spirit of God was able to show me from that lesson that I had taken away from God (just like Adam and Eve) His authority to decide for me what was good and what was evil. I thought I had become as God knowing good and evil for myself. What a disaster that was!
So, yes, my answer to the Spirit of God was “You’re right. I give back to you that authority and commit myself to having You tell me what is good and what is evil. I submit my life and my life decisions to you.” But did I really mean it? After all those years of lying, deception, manipulation and fooling myself could this confession actually mean anything? I immediately knew it was real because the Spirit of God produced a hunger in me to know from Him what was good and what was evil. I set out on a lifelong journey to know Him from His Word – the Bible.
The first thing I learned from the Word of God was of His great love for the world as demonstrated by Jesus as He sacrificed Himself, taking the punishment I deserved for my sin. He has allowed me to undergo carefully orchestrated trials of faith that I might learn humility and that I might grow in grace. He knew the woman, the helpmeet who would stand with me despite my failings and despite the pride which has so reluctantly diminished. We struggled together through great difficulties and grief and came finally to the place where real love could begin. I now have a song in my heart and I sing and make melody in my heart unto the LORD. And I have confidence that what He did for me He can do for anyone. There is no one who is beyond His reach or too far gone. So I am on a journey to pray for the lost. A journey to pray for all things but especially that those who the Lord puts on my heart that they would be wondrously brought to saving faith as I was.
I had once hated the church and saw it as an assembly of complete hypocrites. Now I love the church and long to see her adorned, without spot or wrinkle, prepared as the Bride of Christ. He is Faithful and He will do it!